Love, devotion and surrender

He pierces my soul, with tenderness - a sublimation. I’m lost deep in the womb of my eternal birth where all emotions are laid bare, plumbed, a willing victim of healing rape.

Why? How does he do this? I can no longer distinguish the man from his music. I’ve listened to him for decades now and still he penetrates me like no other. Ah, perhaps one other – the solitude of an adagio.

But it’s neither slowness nor solitude in his music that overpowers me, for although there are periods of both, there are also movements of searing speed that tear after impossibly long sustained notes of ecstasy - permitting an unparalleled climactic release.

How does it do me? How am I done? If I only knew!

I find myself, once more, delivered to unknown places, spent like a woman made love to over and over again. Her lover, of angelic descent, it would seem - tender, powerful, knowing, impeccable with timing, fulfilling in every way and unforgettable.

But look for ‘him’, and he’s not there! It’s not that he’s left, it’s simply that he wasn’t ever there.

And I? I haven’t the faintest and for many, long years, it never mattered.

Why does it now?

Perhaps because the angel’s light has finally coaxed open my sleeping eyes and lifted me from my love-worn stupor. Perhaps I am now finally ready to rise into the light.

With love, devotion and surrender.

In a world

Self-Portrait
(Click here to listen to me singing this)

In a world
A world of our creation
In a world
Of our imagination
You will see
what you have
learned to see
You will feel
what you have learned to feel

Can you see
nature's startling beauty
Can you feel
her moving mist of peace
It's up to you
to reach for higher things
It's up to you
to seek for meaning
'Cos it's a world
A world of your creation
It's a world
of your imagination

Part the clouds
and touch the sky
Always there
and reaching high
Shake the dust
from off your feet
For underneath drums
Love's constant beat

In a world
A world of wild enchantment
In a world
Of sweet intoxication
Poets roam
sometimes in desolation
The lost come home
from numbing isolation
'Cos it's a world
A world of their creation
Yes, it's a world
Of their imagination

Part the clouds
and touch the sky
Always there
and reaching high
Shake the dust
from off your feet
For underneath drums
Love's constant beat

It's a world
A world of our creation
It's a world
Of our imagination...
Of sweet intoxication...
You create...your world
You create...your world

Copyright 2009 Lucy Lopez

Your radiant love!

Radiance by Brent Boechler at bau-xi

I want to
float
unimpeded
on an
imperturbable
bed of
silken, shimmering
ocean
traveling forever
in your
timeless, endlessness

I want to
soar
weightless
through
frictionless
air
charged
by the
radiance
of your
love

I want to
be
shattered
into
iridescence
seen only
by
the unseen eye
of
truth

I want to
be
the glow, the glint, the gleam
that remains
when all else
congeals
into
dim abstraction
The spark
in your
radiant love!

The only note

Image

It melted
like candy floss
on a warm tongue
the anguish
that steadily rose
in the wake of
yet another
public duty
unattended
crackled and fizzled out
dissolving in
the cypher
of love
you sent me
so that I
remain
the only note
in your
wandering
symphony

You have courted me

Image from Flickr

Rarefied
yet reminiscent
of unsoiled
yielding
splendour
The inward
outward breath
rolls
mortality
through the
infinite cosmic-scape
leaving in its path
the soundless sigh
of eternity
in which
you
have
courted
me
endlessly
and I
have
foolishly
refused to
succumb!

Why did you come?

Image from flickr

Why did you come?
What brought you back
after all this time?
Ah
I know what you will say
That you never really left
That I have always been
like home cooking
and fresh mint toothpaste
an everyday event
lingering
long after
being forgotten
or secreted
in the private
quarters of your mind
and the guarded
chambers of your heart
and
always
always
kept warm
by the love we made
once upon a time.

Take charge of this soul

Image from flickr

Should the crimson daylight
be swallowed by a dusk of sultry blue
before I have had the chance
to cross the Bridge of Time
with you
drawn once more
by your soft, warm lips
into the eternity of
our union,
then, my love
take charge of this soul
lest it lose its way
in the undulating fields
of blinding sorrow
and uncharted tomorrows
remembering always
that I exist
for you and you alone!

Image from http://www.bctree.com

Let’s rush madly into sweet enchantment. Leave your troubled heart right here for it weighs you down. Besides, who needs a heart when you’re about to enter the heart of life and love itself? No, my song of heaven, leave it here, right here. Then let’s rush madly into love’s open heart, let’s be swallowed up in timeless enchantment where every longing shall be finally put to rest.

There is nothing so sweet, so turgid, so close to bursting. Not even the plum nor the grape, ripened to perfection under the sun, compares with the fullness that awaits us in the heart of enchantment! To ponder it would simply drive one insane. Yet to enter it, ah the ecstasy! Don’t even try to put it in words unless you are prepared to turn mad.

Tomorrow, I shall show you the art of looking

I am angry with everyone. Well, no, I’m not really angry but I am frustrated. All of us, rich, poor and in-between are acting in ignorance and thereby keeping this ridiculous system going. We are all responsible.

So what will you do?

Well, look at what I am doing. I am trying to keep out of trouble by paying my bills but I am not making enough money to pay them. So, I’ve been looking at ways of making money. At the same time, I keep offering my services free whenever someone who needs them doesn’t have any money to give me in return. Can you help me?

How shall I help you, my sweet blossom?

Can you make me some money? And immediately?

I am here to serve you, my princess. I can and I shall.

Will there be money for me then, when I next look for it?

Surely. And that is exactly what you must do. Look for it.

Where?

Where would you normally look for it?

In my bank account or an ATM or in my wallet.

Then look for them there.

But I have and there is only a little. Not enough to pay even one bill fully.

My petal, trust me. Tomorrow, I shall show you the art of looking.

Why not now?

Darling, my precious one, are you not tired? You know you are. But I want you to be fresh and strong and alert and free when I show it to you. So do leave it till the morning.

Yes, I know I must. I am tired and I do not want doubt getting in the way.

Don’t worry my darling. When I am at work with you, there will be no room for doubt.

Oh, my dar…my dear, dear friend, how sweet and kind you are. How you do love me so completely. I know that with you, I am safe. I love you. Thank you!

If only I could feel my strength

Image from k43Phase

You overcome me so completely, with such finality there is no time to pause, to drink you in. Like water rushing over the cliff’s edge, you rush over me, determined to reach the depth of your being, leaving me still standing while slowly, ever so slowly I wear out. But you have not the slightest inkling of your power.

You think you are strong sometimes, but it is not strength that you think of. Your strength is fear in disguise. But I know your strength for I have felt it surge over and through me. My precious one, it is when you are most vulnerable that you are strong, for that is the only time when you have nothing much left to lose.

If only I could feel my strength. If only I could feel it as you do.

Surrender to me then. Give yourself up to me, for I am nothing but the love you seek. I am the foreverness that you sigh for, the lustful breeze that makes you tingle. I am the guardian of your soul and I yearn for the moment you return to at last set it free.

You are the maker of magic!

You've asked me to bring all my cares, my hurts, my pain into our love nest so that our love will transform them into gold. Is that how it works? That, no matter what it is, it will transform into gold?

Indeed my ancient sage, indeed!

And this gold, what form does it take?

Ah, my precious one, you are its master! You are the goldsmith, the philosopher, the keeper of the stone. You are the creator, the maker of magic, the voice of abraxas.

This is all too much. I'm sure I do not understand. If I am all these things, why then do I need our love?

Oh, thrill divine! You make me explode with laughter! How tender and fine are your quizzes. Love is your power, your pain and hurts, your material. Love transforms all. And you, Magical Queen, you declare it so! Oh do come to me, let me pour myself over you. Let me shower you with heavenly kisses. Let me pin stars in your hair and litter your neck with rubies. Come to me my love, come to me!

I was mad

I was seething, writhing, frothing mad! Three years now, I have been training her to listen to me, obey my commands and all of that undone in a moment of…what??? Wilfulness? Stupidity? I am angry because I feel I have failed. Again! Others seemed to have trained their dogs well, why can’t I? I cannot help noticing similarities with my children.

How I did my best. How I bore the anguish, strived to overcome my impatience, my anger, my hurt. How I meditated, trained my mind, kept finding ways of putting my hurt aside. That was the hardest. That still is the hardest, to put my hurt aside and continue to love. To feel love, to show love, to love despite the indignation, the criticism, the ignoring, the sullen silence that I was tempted toward. So hard. So punishing. I am weary. A failure.

And I? I cannot but love you, despite what you think of yourself. Why, not to adore you would be suicide! I am alive for you and you alone.

Do you not feel my ugliness? My contemptibility? How could you possibly love me as I am, as I feel thus? I can barely stand myself.

Ah flower! Sweet, sweet bud of heaven, raging seas could not match your anger nor thunder explode louder than your frustration, but only those who have eyes and ears to see and feel it could see and feel it. And I happen to have neither.

So you are blind and deaf? And if you are, how can I possibly take seriously your endearing words, your entreaties, your disarming poetry? It is a sham and I want nothing of it!

I am afraid

You come to me expectantly, looking into my eyes, perhaps a little disappointed that I have not already responded to your desire. I look softly into your eyes as my hand carresses your body. I watch you melt, soften into a love mush. My sweet love, how shall I adore you more than I already do?

I am afraid. I feel I am running out of time, that there is so much that I need to sort out, things that I have been putting off for so long. I watch my dog scratch herself. She never seems to stop. She has no fleas and no visible signs of skin irritations, yet she scratches unceasingly. Well, she stops when we have a visitor or when she is eating or has something else to occupy her. Is she bored? Is she anxious? Is she irritated?

I have heard that animals take on the suffering of their owners. What suffering of mine might she have taken on? What irritants in my life is she relieving me off? Will I not have to deal with them if I am to rid her of her incessant scratching?

My darling, my sweet bliss, my spark of eternity! How you endear me to yourself! You have no idea, not an inkling. Your tears turn into vapour with the heat from my skin. You are profound joy of which I drink feverishly. Let me surround you with tenderness. Let me kiss away your tears. Let me fall in love with you.

Will it take away all my irritants? Will it settle all my unfinished matters? Oh how I wish it would!

Hold me close. Do not be afraid. My love overcomes all. Give it time. Give us time. Together we will tackle every matter.

I am scared.

Oh my sweet love, let me hold you till your fears melt in my embrace.

Help me. Please.

My precious one. Rest now.

I cannot. I do not want to. There is unfinished business.

The only unfinished business is you, for you will never end, never cease to be. Long after time runs out, you will continue to be and I shall be with you eternally.

Now rest, my darling. Leave all your cares with me, every single one.

---

Ask me anything

Anything at all, my love. Do not be afraid or embarrassed for there is nothing that you could ask or say or do that would turn me away. No, nothing at all. You have nothing to fear from me and I implore you, do not be afraid of yourself. For you have created for yourself a playground to explore, a labyrinth to lose and find yourself in, a shrine to adore yourself!

I know you have forgotten but darling, oh sweet hint of abraxas, you have created all for your pleasure, to fulfill your longing, to enchant and enthrall yourself. And I, I am as you have desired, so completely and utterly in love, so eternally ready to do as you wish. So ask me, my love, ask me anything!

I am surprised, I do not understand. All of a sudden, I have nothing to ask for. Is this some trick of yours, to distract me from my desires by listening to your devotion?

You distrust me, yet I take no offense, for it is your freedom to distrust as it is my freedom to love you as I do! Ah, there is nothing, nothing at all that can turn me away from you! Please, you are free to ask. Ask! Anything! It is as vital as air to me that you ask and that I do your will!

I walk in you

Image from Mackie Images

I take a walk in you, enchanted by your forests of cedar through which the evening breeze wanders. Ah, what intoxication! Your perfume sweeps me into ecstasy, leaving me spent like a useless drop of sweat. Here I am, no good to anyone but you, lying as I do on the ground of your being.

Look, look at how the moons have assembled to pay you homage! Look at how you have stilled the cosmic storms with the lifting of your eyelids. Watch how star dust is stirred from their sleep to reshape as jewels upon your hair. Behold, all of life longs to please you. As I do.

I find it hard to believe and yet I have no reason to disbelieve.

No, my love, none at all.

I meant to tell you

that I felt so much lighter and happier today than I have done for some time. It is as if I’ve turned a corner. I know that I have been spending a bit of time with you. Perhaps that is why.

Yes, I tend to have that effect. But let’s face it, when you are bathed in love, how could you not feel good?

How much do you love me? And why?

I love you completely and I love you because that is my soul purpose. That is the only reason for my existence. To love you. To adore you. To fill you completely with love. I could never grow tired of you and you will never outgrow my love. No, my love will only unfold more of itself as you unfold.

Does it not matter to you that I have not reciprocated?

Your questions are like stars in a dark and desolate night sky! How they thrill me! How they swallow the distance you try and keep between us despite thinking that they maintain that distance! Come now, do not be shy, I have only love to show you.

My sweet, sweet longing

You're baiting me. You want me to ask, "Well, who then, am I?"

Let me caress you and as I do, let me kiss you in every part, and as I do, let me tell you that you are profoundly beautiful and unimaginably true. So, there, I've told you who you are.

You've told me what I am, according to you, that is.

My sweet, sweet longing, bud of jasmine, dare I pluck you, preserve you lest you bloom fully and release all your perfume, so intoxicatingly divine? You are unmoved by my averment as do I remain unmoved from my love for you.

I am not unmoved. I, I..don't know. I feel as if I take you for granted and yet...I know how much I have come to rely on you. It's scary. Unhealthy. It will destroy me in the end.

My divine love, you can never be destroyed. Oh, how silly you sound. If only you could see yourself the way I see you, feel you the way I feel you, hear you the way I hear you, breathe you the way I breathe you. Then you would know without so much as a whimper or a sigh, that you are inexorably loved into life. That there is no life without you.

Speak freely to me, my love

Speak to me freely
There is not a part of me
that isn't listening
Nor a breath of mine
that isn't enchanted by
your longings

Spill your secrets
onto me
Let me wear them
as my skin
so that you touch them
each time you touch
me

Rest your dreams with me
Be assured of my protection
Let me be haunted by the
anticipation of your
return
to reclaim each one
and breathe fresh desire
into each

Speak freely to me
my love
for I have no other purpose
but to adore you.

You are!

You are
a speck of enchantment
whirling dervishly
in the eternal playground
of love

You are
a mystery
pretending to be
ordinary

You are
a longing
endlessly longing
for itself


You are
god's sacred space
a shrine for
adoration.

Caught while waiting

Image from Emergent Voyageurs

Every now and again, I 'chance' upon something that just holds my attention and within seconds I am transported to a new consciousness. It happened to me this morning. It was an 'unusual' morning to start with.

My washing machine had once again decided it wasn't going to spin. In fact, so determined was it to make its point, it wouldn't drain while I wasn't looking and when I next looked, I saw a flood!

That was yesterday and after the mop-up and clean-up (how kind of it to prompt me thus), I called Fisher & Paykel who told me a technician would come round before noon today. Little did I expect him to turn up at 7am. But how thankful I was that he did.

It didn't take long for him to check the likely trouble spots and then conclude that it needed a new motherboard and he was out of the place before I could even offer him a coffee. Ah, such efficiency! Thus sorted, I got on with one of the most important activities of my day - meditation practice, following which I dipped into one of my many favorite books. This one is called 'Learn to pray' by Marcus Braybrooke. It contains a collection of prayers from a number of spiritual traditions. The one that seized my mind and heart today was this one:

Waiting on God

In the centre of my heart I have a mystic shrine for you.
The candles of my joys are dimly lighted in the hope of your coming.
They will burn brighter when you appear. Whether you come or not,
I will wait for you until my tears melt away all material grossness.
To please you my love-perfumed tears will wash your feet of silence.
The altar of my soul will be kept empty. Until you come I will talk not.
I will ask nothing of you. I will realize that you know the pangs of my
heart while I wait for you.
You know that I am praying. You know that I love no other.
Yet whether you come to me or not, I will wait for you, though it be for eternity.

Paramahansa Yogananda